Who’s to Blame?

How many people do you know are willing to hold themselves accountable for their own behavior and for their lives?

One day while I was driving along a quiet residential street, a small group of boys around the ages of eight to ten years darted out from behind parked cars toward the street just as I was passing by. One boy threw his hands in the air, followed by an angry gesture. I kept going and, as I watched in my rear view mirror, this boy gave me the finger. As I drove on, I could feel a certain level of annoyance bubbling up. At first my annoyance was directed at the boy, then I realized my feelings were really directed at the parents. Was I wanting someone to blame for how I was feeling?

When does the blaming start?

Now, my question is this: At what age do we learn to put the blame on someone else for our own mistakes, irresponsible behavior, or things not turning out as we like? When do we start looking for someone else to blame for the problems in our lives? Isn’t this what many of us do well into adulthood and continue throughout our lives?

Blame is so ingrained in our culture that it starts at a very young age and blossoms from there. It has become a popular outlet for our own actions, emotions, and thoughts we do not want to own. I saw that boy’s actions as a symptom of a belief system spread like a disease that is not even in the conscious awareness of many individuals. I shudder at the thought of it.

I cannot remember when I first learned this behavior and when I felt the need to look to someone else as the culprit for things not going as I liked. Many times too, I’ve taken the blame for stress in relationships when, in fact, the goings-on involved no one being right or wrong. Blame can come in many forms on either side of the coin.

Blame is a toxic emotion

To be accountable for ourselves can be difficult for many of us. We look for targets so we can feel superior and let ourselves off the hook. This behavior is passed from adult to child and to each other like a continuing cycle of a contagious disease.

I have heard that blame is one of the most toxic emotions – and I believe it is one of the most devastating. It is the thing that can prevent us from moving forward, as it holds us prisoner in the trenches of our own destructive thoughts. It might feel rewarding to blame someone else in the moment, only to later have it turn into a vice grip, stifling our personal evolution.

It is also a great recipe for building that undesirable part of ourselves that we would like to ignore in hope it just goes away.

Finding a scapegoat

Sometimes when something goes wrong, the first thing I might like to do is find a scapegoat, even if only in my mind. I can be hard on myself at the same time, beating myself up when I need to be more compassionate with myself. Passing the buck to someone else, however, is what I may use to try and dismiss myself from recognizing I have done something I need to look at in my own behavior or within myself.

It is amazing how we often think we are in the right and the other is wrong. We search for a dumping ground in friends, siblings, parents, children, coworkers, society, the stranger on the street, the government, and partners. We might want to pass our mishap onto someone else, and in the end, we will always find a place for it – within our own psyche. Do you think we are getting off the hook that easily by giving it away? I find it doesn’t work much. Some might take the blame, while others will not accept it.

I often find that when I pass a misdeed of my own onto someone else, it will eventually come bumping out of my proverbial closet when I least expect it, like Skeleton Woman hooked on to another object I pull out. This can be most disheartening – and embarrassing.

Blame has no purpose

The fact is, blame is of no use to anyone. It is a temporary pacifier to soothe the beast in need of energy at the time – yet is soothes nothing in the long run. Its function is to hurt others and ourselves – to trick us into believing we are getting away with our shenanigans.

Some of the symptoms of blame include: lack of accountability, inability to admit to our mistakes, being afraid to make mistakes, gossip (this is huge), complaining, a growing lack of self-awareness, unease, and much more.

Blame has no purpose. Scrap the blame tactics and teach children to be accountable for their own behavior. They need to know they are not “bad” for making mistakes and that they are even allowed to make them.

How often do you catch yourself when you blame someone else for your life not going as you would like, or for something that really has nothing to do with the other person? Let go of this trap and free up more of the energy you need in order to create the life you desire.

Joyful journeying.